Trying to wrap your head around something that you've never had to live with before can be challenging.
It sends your emotions on a crazy roller coaster ride that you can't control. This new thing you have to deal with also changes your lifestyle, the way you live, work and socialize.
Being told I had #epilepsy was one thing. I started to consider what I had to deal with first so other things that would be occurring in my life were not considered quite yet. I was stuck in #Japan without my friends or family. What was supposed to be my first deployment, my ship left without me and took about 5,000 people with it. I was only friends with the people I knew from my ship so when they all left it got really quite. No one to shop with or hang out with on the weekends. While myself and the supportive people I had to talk to, helped me say "it will go by fast and be over before you know it" but it didn't do much. I thought that would help and that things would be okay, but what turned into a few weeks of waiting to hear what I'd be doing next turned into months, alone. I was on the same set schedule, around the same boring people without much to do considering I was living in a foreign country and wasn't able to drive.
When I first thought things would go by quickly and that I would get back to the states soon and figure out what the next step would be in order to get separated from the Navy it was fine, but when you start to spend days and then weeks alone, things don't seem so bright anymore. You don't have people to chit chat with or drama to cause in order for the world to keep spinning round haha. It is really nice to have alone time I will admit that. It gives me plenty of time to binge watch #Dexter and all 9 seasons of #Friends that I have already seen most of. After realizing how lame of a life you have when you live off snacks and #Netflix, it really starts to hit you. It's like living in a prison or a boarding school considering I'm government property and can't do much. Same thing everyday and there's nothing you can do about it. Sometimes I just wanted to scream. The time difference sucked so there was only so much time I had to talk to people back home. Not having a special someone also sucked, not that I need a guy in my life but who doesn't like a little affection here and there! After awhile, I started to realize I was feeling really depressed. I'm definitely not the type of person to fall into something like that, but I had never felt like this before so I couldn't come to believe that I was depressed, I was just told myself I was feeling "down".
Finally after waiting 6 long months I had received orders back to the states and I would be stationed in San Diego, California until I was completely separated from the #Navy. The feeling was unreal. I had been through so much crap while spending my last months in Japan. I was put on a medication that made me so bipolar I pissed myself off! I was able to switch meds after only a month but now I had side effects that meant business. I couldn't get pregnant because my child would have disabilities. I would also come to find out that I would almost gain 20 extra pounds in just 4-5 months. On top of all that I'd have to get my blood tested to make sure my liver wasn't failing because guess what, that was just another side effect I'd have to live with. I begged my neurologist to change it again after 5 months but he told me to wait until I made it back to the U.S. Fair enough I decided to be patient.
I had a 9 hour flight to #Seattle and then another 2 hours to #San Diego. I was more than ready and plenty excited to be on American soil again! I had just made it to Seattle with very plugged ears and unfortunately a cold brewing after my flight overseas, but I wasn't going to let that keep me from being positive! Luckily my deployed ship was still in San Diego and I was able to see my friends the last two days they would be there doing the ship swap! I was beyond excited to see my friend that was with me through everything that I first dealt with in Japan! She practically saved me:)
After catching up with friends it was time to start work again but unfortunately I was really sick from my flight and my ears were very plugged still! I was able to go to medical and get some more medication to help. After about 3 weeks I was getting the hang of things at my new duty station and learning about the final steps I'd be going through before getting out.
I bought my first car and started having adult bills.
I'll be working with other people that had somewhat similar situations as mine. We were all on limited duty and either separating or waiting to get back to full duty. It's really nice having other people go through what I'm going through, even though it's not the same diagnosis, we all go through the same process.We are all lucky enough to join therapy classes that will help our health and wellness along our little journeys. There are food classes, #hiking, #surfing, #beach yoga, #weightlifting, #tennis, #archery, #creative #writing, etc. I was able to sign up for beach yoga, creative writing and music therapy. I can honestly say that I have never felt so peaceful as I do in these classes. My anxiety disappears, the depressed feeling, the stress and any other worries I have. I couldn't be more thankful to have these opportunities through my process.
I finally met with my new doctor hoping he would be able to answer my list of questions, but things didn't go so well, just my luck. He thought I was fine with the medication I was on and wouldn't think that I'd have to change it. I wasn't very happy with that. After dealing with a huge weight change and the nerve racking thoughts of a hurt child further in my future wasn't something I wanted and I knew I could change that. So I took the steps to see a different Neurologist and was able to work things out with him and change medications. It still has it's annoying side effects but no worries with children and my liver! I'm hoping when I get into the civilian world I can do more testing and possibly try to see how well I do with less-to-no medication. GO FOR GOLD!
While taking care of all my appointments I started my paperwork process and boy has it been a crazy ride. I had 4 appointments to see VA doctors outside of base to determine the extent of my disease and any other medical issues I had. The VA is a riot in itself! It sucks not knowing if I will be able to trust my doctors outside of the #Military after dealing with the ones I have so far throughout the Navy. Finally getting those taken care of, a big stack of paper was put together stating everything that was wrong with me...lol. So now that I was able to see everything that was about to be looked over by the big guys I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe I could start counting down the days, but no matter how positive I wanted to be, it seemed like things were still not in my favor.
Thinking about my new future and what would be changing in my life once I'd become a civilian really started to get to me. I had to figure out what I wanted to go to school for which turned into a long fricken process of thinking and determining what I was going to major in. I had to break it down into three things I wanted to do after the Military. I was also able to take an aptitude test to help point me in a good direction of occupations. When my results came back I looked through them carefully and came across a Paramedic. Something I'd be good at and also have interest in. I did some research and figured this would be a great job to do while going to school for a degree, but my career counselor didn't think that was such a good idea considering my disability.... Well that gave me all the more motivation to not let my epilepsy stop me. I'm still considering it as an option but in the mean time I have to give the guy a damn major. I am so nervous and scared to start school after being out of senior high for 2 years. I know I'm going to have to take my #ACT and pray that I get accepted into the school of my choice. Hoping the slight memory loss and different thinking process won't effect my college experience, I finally was able to decide to work towards a bachelors degree in public relations...we'll see how that goes haha but I am slowly making my way further into my future with less anxiety attacks.
While figuring out my schooling situation I still had to focus on my health and I was having problems sleeping, so when I went in to schedule my next EEG test I was able to schedule a sleep test as well. I had to sleep with a bunch of wires attached to my face.
On the bright side, I don't have insomnia.
It's just my medications causing issues. Unfortunately I will still be tired all the time and feeling like I don't have much energy. It sucks having a lot of bad days through all this and to be dealing with people that just treat me and the others I work with like a number. For any future sailors or people that are thinking about the military, The Navy isn't terrible. They didn't treat me like a number until I got "sick". Now that I can't be of service to them they are ready to get me out of here. Basically don't get sick haha. It is unfortunate that this happened out of my control, but I'll do what I can to make the best of it in #California and focus on myself and my health.
I am able to mention that there are plenty of good days, they come every now and again:) There are so many things I have been able to do since I have been in Cali. Seeing the ocean as often as I do has really made me fall in love with it. It's my peaceful place and somewhere that I can feel happy. Still feeling a little down, I am hoping once I am home for good things will change. This is a hard process for me and I just pray everyday that things will get better and I won't feel so depressed. I even hate saying it but I can't keep myself locked up. Spending six months alone really changed how I feel and how I socialize, so I wanna get better and stay positive and happy, Basically I need to spend more time by the #ocean. Overall, It'll be fine. I know it's not the end of the world and I have so many things to look forward to and people as well!!
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